I thought I will never experience the day where I’d finally meet another someone who is not intimidated of what I seem to be made of and who shares almost the very same values in life.

Until recently..

I think I might have just found my very version of Chris Martin.

And it makes me nervous.

‘Let me in, unlock the door.. I’ve never felt this way before..’

To Whom It May Concern,

It’s been weeks since you left me.

Eversince; I had to manage to do things on my own, lived in total mess, cried over my pillow, blamed everything on everyone around me and when all else failed, I tried to shut my mind and wished that I could fly or just die, leaving all this behind.

Yes, I was in a bad shape.
I was in total mess.
I lost my head.
And I had no one to talk to.

For weeks, I struggled to survive. I forced myself to smile, to stay calm, to act like I’ve got everything under control when I can’t even think of surviving another day, in one piece. It hurts so bad to miss someone who is so important in my life.

That was until yesterday, when there arrived Someone New;

The new person is nothing really, compared to YOU.
You were the best, the very best I’ve ever had in my entire lifetime.
You definitely made my life easier.
You helped me so much, took care of everything I ever needed
that when you left, I can barely stand on my own feet.

Don’t be surprised, the new person is even younger than me, but I can’t ask for too much right now. Yes, that someone new is trying SO hard to please me and my needs, but only You understand that I am one complicated girl and that it takes time to adapt into my lifestyle and to do things for me just the way I want them to be done, but since I can’t do it on my own anymore, I just had to give in.

Thanks for all the kindness, love and help you showered me over the past years. Though now I may already have someone new, I could have never forgotten YOU.

I know you might think I never did appreciate you, maybe I didn’t say enough Thank You’s, maybe I didn’t show how much I cherished having you in my life, but I really do.

I’m sorry that we didn’t have a proper goodbye. I just can’t stand watching you walk out from my door, afraid that I’ll beg you to stay – even the both of us knew, that just can’t happen. I’ve held you for too long. Before I trouble you even more, I know I had to let you go..

Really, my dearest Bibik Nama..
(sorry for I used to make fun of your name too, those “_ _ _ _ _, bibik kau nama apa?“, “Sumpah, nama dia Nama!“)

.. you’ll always be in my mind, heart and prayer.
Thanks again for everything you’ve done to my house and my family.
Everytime the new maid makes my coffee a little too sweet for my liking or uses up my organic carrots to make curry puff filling,
I sure will miss you badly.
And may God bless you, always.

Me (Yes, I know I’m cute),
Eldest Daughter Of This Family,
Lucky Garden, Bangsar.

She came back and work for us in 2008 until she fell sick late last year and requested to be sent home to Jakarta. My parents visited her last month and her family broke the news that she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer Stage IIIB.

In midst of BE Yoga Open Day and Project Alpha shooting yesterday, I received news that Bibik Nama passed away Saturday night after losing the quiet battle with cancer.

Innalillahi-wainnalillahi raji’un.

May God rest her in better place as she is one of the kindest and most caring person I have met in my life.

We were exchanging stories about yoga retreats in India  from what I read in Eat, Love, Pray spiced with secondhand experience from my fellow yoga teachers and her firsthand experience of having been to India earlier this year following this ‘dream’ she had one night.

She was sharing her share of ‘wanting to change‘ and ‘seeing the light‘ upon being there, as I shared my fear of, ‘what happens IF I don’t want to drive a car, wear fancy adidas yogawear and get married anymore?‘ upon returning back from India if I can collect enough guts to actually go to India (Mysore hopefully) in the nearest future.

We had a good laugh yet painful reality check as we traded and agreed on this irony,

• Sue opened her restaurant and shortly after, developed gastric problem she never had before AND
• I, opened a yoga centre and immediately after, my stress level shot so high that my body (immune system) is attacking almost everything I eat!

Given a choice now, I will be happier to stick to simply teaching yoga as when money is involved, it gets ugly.

Having announced that though, I would NOT trade this experience of having sold my car to keep BE Yoga alive, having sacrificed my dignity and sanity to ensure my team loves and looks yoga, having met wonderful people and angels in human form as I crawl my way up and struggle for another breath when I’m on the brink of drowning – for anything else in the world and I am very excited to face what else is lined up for me, BRING IT ON!

This tunnel I am still driving through still seems endless and so far, I am not sure if I have enough fuel to reach its end but I am sure I will still have my spine and my breaths to keep me alive.

This bumpy road (and expensive highway tunnel) will definitely make me a stronger yogi, a more humble yoga teacher and a better person when I do see the light and rainbow (in form of WETHER investment returned, being a personal yoga instructor to British rockstars ;D, getting to volunteer at a remote orphanage as long as I could OR even settling down as a mother with two beautiful daughters, I don’t know and get ever so curious) at the end, I’m sure.

I breathe this wisdom by one of the greatest yoga teacher in this lifetime (I hope I will be lucky enough to meet), Guruji Iyengar – everytime I feel so drained, tired and low

“Yoga teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured.”

and I move by the love and kindness around me anytime I feel I have nothing else to smile for.

Love, hope and optimism (for RM400,000 to fall from my sky this weekend).

Recently, I travelled to China for a yoga teacher’s training certification (TTC): Hips Openers & Twists (Detoxification) and eversince, I have been trying my very best to clear, cleanse and let go of chemical, physical and emotional toxins my body has been collecting for the past 27 years, forgetting a significant part of my life that might have played a major part in contributing the amount of stress I suffered from of late; online toxin.

A wise man said, “If you are not happy about something, try to change it yourself. If you can’t, change your attitude – STOP COMPLAINING”.

I decide to be the change I have always wanted to see and be.

So let’s start over.

My full name given by my parents means ‘The Highest Light of Enlightenment’ in direct translation but I am fondly (and more comfortably) known as Ninie Ahmad. I have been teaching yoga asana and pranayama (poses and breathing) since 2001 and I own a little yoga studio in Damansara Perdana, Malaysia called BE Yoga.

What I intend to share here are mostly what I feel, what I wear, what I teach, what I believe, what I eat and what I do not.

I love taking full charge of my day, my space and almost everything else within my reach so you can mostly expect only colourful and positive energy here as energy (prana) in any form, is highly infectious. I believe in entertaining others how I wish to be treated hence I believe, most people and you would to. Especially here.

Love and light.